The greatest point of feedback we received from this workshop was around the question of “How?” The intent then, and now, was not to be purposefully vague in the information presented. Many of the concrete and specific answers to “How To” will vary greatly based on multiple things. First, you are an expert on your teen, and therefore, what works for you in “How” may not work for another family. Second, God has disseminated truth both through His word and through the human agency of emotions, intellect and will (“All truth, therefore, is God’s truth.”). Because of this, we believe that you as a parent have the ability, with God’s help, to find the best fit for equipping your family to honor God both inside your home and in the world. We will add to these FAQ’s in the future, but for now, here are responses to the most common questions received:
1. How do you keep open the communication lines about sex with your teen?
First, as a parent, you must be comfortable with your own sexuality. Can you answer the “Why sex?” question for yourself? Have you reconciled God’s plan and intention for sex with your own personal experience, whether that was good or bad? A good starting place for you is the book Sacred Sex by Tim Alan Gardner, as it provides an accurate biblical view of God’s intent for the gift of sex. Once you are comfortable with sex yourself, then the second thing to do as a parent is to be a student of the culture. Educate yourself about what is going on, what the trends are in clothing, music, entertainment, etc., that your teen is gravitating towards? Seek to answer the “Why” questions more than the what. A good online resource for these discussions and for educating yourself is:
Covenant Eyes http://www.covenanteyes.com/
Focus on the Family http://www.focusonthefamily.com/
2. How do you keep teens from starting to use pornography?
We strongly encourage every home to limit both access to and opportunity for exposure to pornography. One of the best ways to do this is through Internet filters that prevent access to questionable sites. Covenant Eyes (http://www.rollinghills.org/CE) is the software the church uses and highly recommends. There is also accountability software that does not prevent access but does send a report of sites visited so that a dialogue can be initiated. These tools are also available for cell phones, iPods/iPhones, and any device that accesses the Internet.
If your teen uses a cell phone, you should be aware of the content of text and picture messages they receive and send, as these are also mediums for disseminating pornography among peers. The term “sexting” refers to this, and there have recently been reports in the media of child pornography laws being applied to these cases. Your wireless phone provider can provide you with parental tools that restrict usage, if necessary, much like your television provider can do as well.
3. When is the best time to start conversations with boys/girls about sex?
Before they ask and anytime they ask. As a parent you should take a pre-emptive and proactive approach. Don’t worry about giving them too much information, as any info you give them that is above their head won’t matter. Would you rather they find out what pornography is (and why it’s harmful) from you, or find out on their own time without you present? As a parent you have the responsibility to be the greater influencer of your children in equipping them to live godly lives. We strongly encourage you to initiate the conversation about sex prior to your children bringing it up. For some practical tips on this, check out:
4. What kind of discussion should we have with a teen who has already experimented/experienced sex?
One way to answer this is to ask yourself, “If I was caught doing X, Y, or Z, how would I want to be responded to or approached?” God’s word is clear that He is in the business of redeeming, forgiving, and restoring. Encouraging God’s best does not mean turning a blind eye to sin or wrong choices. It does mean responding in a way that is non-shaming and separates the person (worthy of God’s love and made in His image) from the choice they made (disobedient and sinful). Yes, current or past choices must be confessed and repented of for sin’s chains to be broken. Then reliance on the Holy Spirit to make future right choices, including maintaining environments of accountability in relationship with others, and practical hedges of protection (boundaries) in place to stay on the right track need to be implemented.
5. I am holding my children to a higher standard than either my husband or I had about boy/girl relationships. How do we convey this to them without seeming hypocritical? Is it appropriate to share what we view as mistakes we’ve made and ungodly behavior?
Yes, you should share your past “wounds” when appropriate. As a parent, one of your tasks is to try to save your kids from experiencing the same pain that you have. And one of the best ways to do this is to share out of your personal experience, strength and hope –much of which comes from those times that you “wish you hadn’t” or “wish you would have” moments in life. A frank, honest discussion with your teen is something that they will value. It will add credibility of you to them, as your realness and transparency communicates that you “get it” and therefore can be your teen’s greatest ally in equipping them to live a godly life.
(Responses were written by Wholeness Pastor Travis Waits who is also a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor.)
Recommended Books:
(All are available from either a Christian bookstore or an on-line Christian website)
1). Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-13 Generation by Eric and Leslie Ludy
No parent wants to admit that their child—even their well-educated, well-grounded, Christian child—could be having consensual sex before graduating from middle school. Promise rings, parental contracts and disease warnings provide a meager defense against a culture overrun with weapons of mass seduction.
While many factors contributing to the misguided messages received by children stand outside the realm of parental control—music videos, film, fashion—others, like the meaning of true love, can and should be fostered at home. Eric and Leslie Ludy, authors of the bestselling When God Writes Your Love Story, present the shocking, unvarnished realities of today’s sexual climate, but they balance the bitter pill with a large dose of hopeful, practical advice for parents.
2). Talking to Your Kids About Sex: How to Have a Lifetime of Age-Appropriate Conversations with Your Children About Healthy Sexuality by Mark Laaser:
“The greatest enemy of sexual wholeness today,” asserts Mark Laaser, Ph.D., “is silence.” A therapist specializing in the field of sexual health, Dr. Laaser has worked with hundreds of adults who suffer the consequences of sexual sin and dysfunction. All of them long to have had meaningful conversations with their parents about sex when they were growing up.
Most parents would agree that healthy sexuality should be taught at home rather than left to their children’s teachers, peers or culture. However, even parents with the best intentions can feel at a loss regarding where to start.
In Talking with Your Kids about Sex, Dr. Laaser cuts through the confusion, coaching you through specific, age-appropriate discussions you can have with your son or daughter from early childhood through young adulthood; giving guidance on how to explore and examine your own sexual beliefs and issues; and empowering you to help your child develop a healthy and biblical understanding of sexuality, a glorious gift from God.
3). Secret Keeper Girl by Dannah Gresh with insights from Rebecca St. James
This is a book/CD set from Christian Supply. It is a good introduction to preteens on purity, beauty, etc. It doesn’t delve into sexuality too quickly but is introduced over several weeks of special "dates."
4). So You're About to be a Teenager by Dennis and Barbara Rainey (and their grown children)
This book has more in-depth talk about friendship, love and sex. It asks the youth to make several promises at the end of the book and to examine where they will stand on various issues. This is for a girl or boy.
5). Passport to Purity by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
This is for a girl/mom or boy/dad weekend away. At the end of the weekend, the other parent joins in, and a purity ring ceremony is held.
6). A Girl's Guide to Life by Katie Meier
This book includes basic discussions about teen issues with some sexuality. A daughter can read this on her own.
7). Every Young Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge and Stephen Arterburn
8). Every Young Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey
These books are for mature teens. It contains more detail on sex and is quite frank in its language and discussions, all Christian based though! You may choose to read this out loud together with your son/daughter. However at times this may be uncomfortable, but persevere. Some parents have found that it broke barriers and helped their son/daughter to feel comfortable with discussing relationships, morals and sex.
9). Idol Girls by Haley DiMarco
Haley DiMarcos' books are really attractive to teen girls in their style and format. There are lots of quizzes, and it looks more like a slick magazine. This one is about what in your life may be an "idol," so it covers many topics other than sex and relationships.
10). Sexy Girls by Haley DiMarco
At first you may be unsure of this one because of the title and cover art, but it is right on target and gives some good perspectives on how guys often view girls and how guys are wired.